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cats50

gord/leige
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cats50

Devious Journal Entry

1 min read
im making plushies
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cats50

venting

3 min read
At college i had a lab fee to pay but i didnt know where to go. So i stopped a woman and tried to ask her if she knew where lab fees were paid
Now, this woman signed. And she explained that she was hard of hearing. Every sign she signed was so distantly familiar to me but since the last time i signed was when i was a little kid who didnt even talk yet, it was familiar but i couldn't get them. She of course could speak too so she could communicate to me
But i couldn't communicate with her. ive never had a loud speaking voice although i could put on voices that that were loud and unfortunately painful so my natural voice, being hard to hear normally, was too low for this woman to hear. And due to a minor speach impediment she couldn't read my lips. I could tell she was trying and i felt so bad because im so verbally different than most and i have difficulty talking and i usually rely on another to communicate for me and i had no one and she could communicate allot clearer that i could so all i could do was try to tell her it was fine and thanks and that ill just try to get help later and i just ended up ultimately resorting to my personal sign language. The odd almost nonsensical signing i do around those i know to get across better what im saying. Because thats all i COULD do. My weird nonsense  signs. My personal private language. But luckily i managed to get across what i was trying to say. I realized i cant communicate on my own today and that i need someone to physically talk for me because of my stupid voice and my fucking anxiety.  Another slap in the face reminder i can literally never be fully independent in life. Another "hey go fuck yourself" from life. Yet another thing wrong and broken about me and i hate it. I hate myself. Not in the normal sense. In the "i want to function properly and not worry about all my disorders and syndromes and health problems and mental issues and permanent damages physical and phyological" way of i hate myself
I dont WANT to be the way that i am
I dont WANT shopping to forever be a difficult thing for me
I dont WANT having a conversation with someone to be wrought with difficulty
I just want to function
Not even well i just want to be able to  be around people and not potentially need help from some stranger because I am unable to do something by myself. I want to function.  I dont want to need someone to help me communicate for the rest of my life i dont want to need someone to help care for my daily i just want to exist
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cats50

Devious Journal Entry

11 min read
:yakuza::work::wizardhat::tunes::tombstone::tea::stupid::stfu::star-half::sprint::skull::skullbones::rose::reading::pie::phae::ohmygod::onfire::nuu::noes::ninjaplot::ninjaeat::ninjadart::ninjabattle::music::meow::matrixfight::lolly::lmao::cake::library::katana::jester::ignore::hypermind::heartbreaker::headbang:+:slamhead:=:headache::gun::fork::empllama::flirty::flagus::crazy::milk::cookie::monitor::couch::evillaugh::deviator::coffeemachine::coffeecup::donut::chix0r::chainsaw::fuzzydemon::boing::iconbunnimation::icondoctordanceplz::iconrightyouareplz::icondoctorthumbsupplz::iconbowlplz::iconphantomplz::iconpoemdepressionplz::iconsulkplz::iconcronablinkplz::iconpweaseplz::iconkidyesplz::iconnotsymmetricalplz::iconshinigami-samaplz::iconpattythompsonplz::iconsillypattyplz::iconshinigamilaplz::iconkidteheplz::iconpunchkidplz::icondtkplz::iconsymmetricalkidplz::iconkiddeathstareplz::iconsymmetricalplz::iconblackstarcuteeyesplz::iconrunningcronaplz::iconcrazycronaplz::iconscaredcronaplz::iconcrona-pout-plz::iconcronaheadbobplz::iconsoulpianosmashplz::iconsoulhugplz::iconsoulheadbobplz::iconsoulsmirkplz::iconwtfsoulplz::iconsouleaterrunplz::iconmakaalbarn::iconmakarawrplz::iconmakaalbarnplz::iconhappyragnarokplz::iconchildsteinplz::iconshinigamisamaplz::iconkiddfrogfaceplz::iconcronaisnotamusedpls::iconmedusaplz::iconpattylaughplz::iconcupcakesplz::iconomgcryplz::iconohfuckplz::iconbloodygirplz::icondragonhugplz::iconitalyflagplz::iconletmehugyouplz::iconsupertackleplz::iconbrohugplz::iconneenerplz::iconwhatdidyoujustsayplz::iconstewiewtfplz::iconmotherofgod-plz::iconplak1plz::iconplak2plz::icondslapplz::iconbrittanybiskitplz::iconbatmanplz::iconwaffleplz::iconsocute-plz::iconrapetimeplz::iconkillitwithfireplz::iconbarrelsplz::icongrumpycat-plz::iconomnomnomnomplz::iconimseriousplz::icontrollfaceplz::iconlavaplz:::iconnumbereightplz::icongrellplz::iconheplz::iconpinksparklesplz::iconsparklezplz::iconmegatronyesplz::iconlalalaplz::iconimpossibruplz:my face during math class:iconnostalgiacriticplz::iconhigh-fiveplz::iconmegatronyesplz:
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Devious Journal Entry

1 min read
What Soul Eater Are You?
What Soul Eater Are You?
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What Soul Eater Character Are You?
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<A wytiwyg="1"
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:iconsneakhugplz::iconmovebetchplz:<-- my reaction to ALL hugs:iconsnugglyplz::iconhugmebrothaplz::iconsupertighthugplz::iconreimuwthplz::iconsupertackleplz::iconspikederp-plz:
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